the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Randomize
