I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
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