dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
