Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
