this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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