We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
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