my mouth tastes like poor choices
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
