He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
