just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
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Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
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seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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