just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
