Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
