haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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