I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize
