you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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