My friends, they love my intelligence
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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