My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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