It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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