Just fell off a train. Bad.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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