I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
