3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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