I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
