I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Randomize
