Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Randomize
