Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
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