I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
