Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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