As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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