dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Randomize
