why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
