i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
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