Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
