ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
