i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
