I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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