sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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