Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
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Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
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It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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