I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
