rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
