Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
