If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
