Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I'm eating all of the evidence.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
