i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
