you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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