pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
