So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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