It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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