Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Randomize
