You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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