guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Randomize
