My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
