Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
