someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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