I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
