Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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