I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
