Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
