So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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