I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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